Arsenal in shock negotiations with Terry
By Joe Fitzpatrick
Unbelievable telephone recordings transcribed by a loyal Gooner
I know what you all must be thinking with a title like that juicy little b***er lurking up there, looming ominously above these words that you are reading now. You are thinking, "That's it! He's finally lost it completely! I knew that, one day, this would happen". All I can ask of you is that you at least hear me out before you crucify me; that's all. If you choose to do so, you will see that what I am writing is the absolute truth, and that it is actually a fantastic piece of news for the club, despite what you might first think. I promise that you will all fall in line with my way of thinking on this issue eventually. Trust me.
I have obtained copies of several recorded telephone conversations from a friendly source whom I cannot disclose at this present time for fear of this individual losing a very highly paid job, I have, however, decided that it is my sworn duty as a loyal Gooner to transcribe these conversations for your immediate perusal even if it does mean losing a close personal friend of mine. Such is life.
This could be bigger than the Watergate scandal was. I've never transcribed a telephone conversation before, but I can assure you that this is a 100% accurate transcription. Word for word, scouts honour...
The Terry tapes: Conversation 12b. The recording device emits a soft click as it begins to play. A sharp dial-tone sounds loudly, followed by a distinctive *Ring* *Ring*, *Ring* *Ring*
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: Allo?
Mr. X: Brazilian Midfielder, 5ft 9", Talk to me!
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: Excuse me? Who am I speaking with please?
Mr. X: Call me Terry. Terry Tibbs.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: Ah! Mr. Tibbs! The news of your succession to Dick Law as Arsenalís chief negotiator is the hottest story on all of the sports pages right now! What can I do for you today, Mr. Tibbs?
Terry Tibbs: Great, you've heard of me. That saves us a bit of time, and if there's one thing I don't have enough of, it's time. I see that you've got my boy, Denilson, over there on loan at the moment. How's he getting on?
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: Just fine Mr. Tibbs, just fine.
Terry Tibbs: What do you mean by "Fine"? If everything is so bloody "fine", then maybe you might be kind enough to explain to me why you haven't made a f***ing bid for the kid yet? For crying out loud! How much time do you need to make a bloody decision? You remind me a lot of my third wife, you do. She could never decide which of her expensive frocks to wear of an evening. You don't have that same problem too, do you, son? I can't do business with you if you are sitting over there wearing some kind of a dress! You don't wear a dress when you're trying to do business with Terry Tibbs!
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: No I'm sorry Mr. Tibbs, but we have already signed a loan agreement with your predecessor. I have the papers here in my office.
Terry Tibbs: Alright, alright, I know that my predecessor was named Dick and he was obviously trying to live up to that stupid f***ing name of his! Loan agreement. for crying out loud! I'm trying to run a football club over herem Pedro, not a f***ing library!
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: My name isn't Pedro. My name is Joao Paulo and we are perfectly happy with the loan agreement that we have already signed with your club.
Terry Tibbs: There's a bit of an echo on the line, are you pissing?
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: excuse me?
Terry Tibbs: Listen here, you don't piss when you're trying to do business with Terry Tibbs. You sit down in the front room, have a nice cup of tea and tell Uncle Terry all about this Lucas Moura fella who's got Sir Alex Ferguson as randy as a Latvian hooker on speed.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: Moura is a fine player, Mr. Tibbsm but we are not interested in selling him at the present time.
Terry Tibbs: You haven't heard my offer yet! Let me tickle you! I'll put my index finger under your chin, give it a little wiggly wig, offer you a permanent deal for Denilson, Chamakh, Ju Young Park and 15 million of our finest English pounds. You say "Thank you very much Terry" and Robertís your motherís brother, we have ourselves a little deal.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Tibbs, but that offer just isn't acceptable.
Terry Tibbs: You drive a hard bargain, Pedro. but I like you. I donít know why I like you but, because I like you, I'll give you Denilson, Chamakh, Ju Young Park, 20 million of my finest English pounds, some wooden ladders, a fridge-freezer, a genuine Italian marble fireplace and a beautiful pre-owned Jaguar XJS.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: Throw in Squillaci and you've got yourself a deal.
Terry Tibbs: If you want Squillaci, then I'm keeping the Jag.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: To be honest, I'd prefer the car.
Terry Tibbs: You know it makes sense! Thatís why they call me Terry Tibbs! Thank you very much, good night, much love.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: I'll get started on the paperwork right away, Mr. Tibbs.
Terry Tibbs: You're going to do well my son. Go forth; be strong.
*End of recording*
24th July 2012
User Comment and Reaction
User comments on this article are now closed. If you want to continue the debate, why not do so on the Gooner Forum.
Rokhim Van Persie 6:58am 24th Jul 2012
It's mean Moura = Squillaci + Jaguar XJS??/ *sorry for my bad english - Post No. 27181
Colin 7:01am 24th Jul 2012
Very amusing, keep it up. For the inevitable haters: Get a sense of humour man! - Post No. 27182
Ugh 7:13am 24th Jul 2012
sorry to be negative but i wasted my time reading this. so much so that i felt compelled enough to waste more time by writing this. - Post No. 27184
Jammathon 7:19am 24th Jul 2012
What a complete waste of time. - Post No. 27185
Gazgooner 7:29am 24th Jul 2012
Just got thru changing my jocks....so flamin funny I peed my pants laughing so much.....great stuff. - Post No. 27190
harshil kachhawa 7:30am 24th Jul 2012
Ha ha ha.. This was fun.. - Post No. 27191
High tech 7:52am 24th Jul 2012
Nice one mate. Infact u're going to be our negotiator because u fit in perfectly. U just offloaded our deadwoods but if only it was true. Great post - Post No. 27192
Shettima 8:17am 24th Jul 2012
Liar, liar head on fire. - Post No. 27193
Luke 8:29am 24th Jul 2012
Haha sign him up, gotta be better for transfer business than our current crop! - Post No. 27194
Stan 8:54am 24th Jul 2012
I have a sense of humour, a good one at that, but this is terrible. Much like 'Ugh' I felt this needed be said despite the waste of time incurred. - Post No. 27195
fozzy's mate 8:57am 24th Jul 2012
Joe as ever an amusing piece which gives aid to a hearty chuckle. But surely you have missed the most comical moment of the last 5 years. Wengers press conference when he said we do not need any more defensive midfield players after last years non existent shield. "We have Diaby and Wilshere". Howls of laughter follow. Last year throughout we heard "how was I to know that Diaby and Wilshere would be injured the whole season?". What are the odds on neither of them completing a single full 90 mins this season? Call for Terry Tibbs and Dick Law. Comedic as their performances as chief negotiator may be (in reality or jest) they certainly couldn't beat OGL. - Post No. 27196
jjetplane 9:35am 24th Jul 2012
Arse end of Private Eye. You watch too much bad comedy. Only managed 1st para, thinking how the author must love the Jack Lees of this world. - Post No. 27197
Joe Fitzpatrick 10:24am 24th Jul 2012
Silly, I know but I'm always reading comments about the Gooner lacking a sense of humour so I thought this would get the ball rolling - Post No. 27199
Joe S. 11:59am 24th Jul 2012
A lot of hard work for a Chuckle Joe F but at the same time not as big a waste of time as us fans waiting for constructive things to happen at The Grove. - Post No. 27201
GoonerGoal! 12:07pm 24th Jul 2012
If you can't be funny, be interesting. Unfortunately, this was neither, but then they say "one man's humour is another's stupidity", the problem may be mine. - Post No. 27202
JimmyGooner 12:18pm 24th Jul 2012
Why do people have to be so negative when commenting? I thought it was amusing Joe - good stuff. I get bored of reading the same old moans and groans so it's nice to have something original to feast my eyes on. If the moaners don't like it, perhaps they'd liek to submit something themselves? The Gooner is an "open church" as the editor is fond of saying, so everyone can get involved. - Post No. 27203
maguiresbridge gooner 14:20pm 24th Jul 2012
Another humorous piece joe maybe it describes our negotiating team perfectly a joke just like a lot of things about our club lately. - Post No. 27204
GaryFootscrayAustralia 14:27pm 24th Jul 2012
Fitzpatrick, before I even opened this article, I knew it was yours from the title and the photo. I suppose I'd better read it now, and for an extra laugh, I might even read the inevitable replies telling you that it was a waste of everyone's time, and how you should put down what you're smoking or give up writing altogether. I know you don't listen to them, and rightly so. - Post No. 27205
victor 15:09pm 24th Jul 2012
Now thats what i call funny - Post No. 27207
joey barton 15:51pm 24th Jul 2012
Bloody brilliant. Neally pissed myself I tell ya! Thank ya much love. - Post No. 27208
DW Thomas 18:09pm 24th Jul 2012
Not a bad attempt at some humor, a change nonetheless from the typical article. What I am eager to see is not the deadwood players shipped on, although that must be a given, but whether the Santi Corzola stuff is true and if so why oh why have we not signed M'Vila or someone like him? Can we really depend on Diaby and Jack being fit all/most of the season? Wenger repeats the same mistakes, year after year. No solid DM, no keeper backup, no defensive cover of real quality, etc, etc. Yet we still spend our money, what little there is, on attacking options. Now if Corzola is a replacement for Cesc, fine, but should have happened last year. I am getting excited about the upcoming season for some reason, but based on RVP still being on the team and no new names since Giroud, we still have a ton of work to do. Look at what's happened with Modric. Why don't we react the same with RVP? Wenger can nicely say, we don't want you if you don't want us with RVP and send him on his way, ASAP! Then we must buy a replacement or as good as we can with the funds! Man, I am a broken record... - Post No. 27209
RED FRED 19:17pm 24th Jul 2012
If we finish 4th in prem this season we have done well, don't expect any higher, a cup may help though, COYG.... - Post No. 27210
Begs 19:28pm 24th Jul 2012
Love Terry Tibbs and loved this article - Post No. 27211
Diego RunaBout a bit 19:42pm 24th Jul 2012
You're taking the piss out of Latin American clubs... How dare you!!!%%%$$$ - Post No. 27212
Wombledin 21:09pm 24th Jul 2012
For a second I thought the headline meant we are negotiating with John Terry. Is Mr X Dr Evil? "You can have Denilson for one million dollars!' - Post No. 27213
Joe Fitzpatrick 21:40pm 24th Jul 2012
Jjetplane- "Arse-end of private eye" that's a good one! Say what you like about me but Jack Dee was a fantastic stand up comedian in his prime. - Post No. 27215
GUNNERREK 2:39am 25th Jul 2012
Your joke is too expensive, although we need it because of RVP issue. Thank you for making us laugh. - Post No. 27216
fozzy's mate 8:38am 25th Jul 2012
Joe - I once saw Jack dee live. I prefer Terry Tibbs. Despite all the protestations to the contrary Mr self sustainable and the like of TT will be working hard for the DDT until midnight on 31 August. - Post No. 27217
Joe Fitzpatrick 9:18am 25th Jul 2012
@Gunnerek- the RVP issue is precisely the reason that I did this. Us Gooners need to stick together and have a laugh inside or outside of the stadium. @Wombledin- nah it's not Dr. Evil, it's a British comedy character called Terry Tibbs. @Fozzy's mate- I'm going to see Derren Brown live in a couple of days, maybe he can convince RVP and Walcott to sign new contracts!! - Post No. 27218
Jack The Gooner 14:21pm 25th Jul 2012
@Colin, you are a tool, bye bye do down the lane! And this artiocle is a waste of time and has probably come at the expense of something more interesting - Post No. 27229
Raymondo 20:22pm 25th Jul 2012
I think the Goonerverse needs more people like you Joe, amid the sea of negativity you had the guts to poke some fun at the absurdity of it all. Nice one! - Post No. 27241
HowardL 20:21pm 26th Jul 2012
Joe - your article has cheered me up. I know we had a debt to cover but when I think back through some of the unnecessary suffering we've had with players who so obviously should have been moved on long ago. At least Diaby has talent, even if his injured body cannot fulfill it, but Denilson?????? - Post No. 27264
15th May 2013
Online Ed: Job done in final home game of the season