What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!
What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing!

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord "Fuck me, that must be one clever dog"

"Not really" said the landlord,

"Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging"

Hilarious stuff in the West ham v Liverpool game, salah and klopp kicking off against each other, salah had to be held back :lol: Then there's a mix up, the hammers keeper chucks the ball down in the middle of the goal and a Liverpool player rubs up to tap it in, tbf he should have but the ref blows...

Hilarious stuff in the West ham v Liverpool game, salah and klopp kicking off against each other, salah had to be held back :lol: Then there's a mix up, the hammers keeper chucks the ball down in the middle of the goal and a Liverpool player rubs up to tap it in, tbf he should have but the ref blows...

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of Popcorn Kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

It's only my second day in prison, and I've already been brutally bummed in the showers three times.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not cut out to be a guard.

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.' She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.' Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.' But she was insistent on knowing, 'what is the problem?' I t...

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop.

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.