I came downstairs this morning to find my girlfriend had gone and had left a note on the fridge door that said 'this isn't working, goodbye'.

Well I just opened the fridge and it's working fine.

You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes,
when you try and start a chainsaw!!!

My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.

"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.

"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.

"He fucking does now," I replied.

I saw a bloke on the train wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like.

" And right enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

“ I’ve got good news and bad news”, the doctor said.

“ I’m afraid we’re going to have to amputate your leg”.
“Fucking hell! What’s the good news?” I asked.

“See that young nurse over there with the big tits?

I fucked her last night.”

The only thing flat-earthers fear …....

is sphere itself.

Mail online: "world's oldest paperboy dies at 92."

94 are wondering where their Evening Telegraph's got to.

I keep making racist jokes about my dads thai bride.
He finds it really annoying...

And so does my dad

"Tell me what you want," I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string.

"I want my guitar back," she said.

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.

There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

Noah's diary :

Day 39. Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....