I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.
One seems bigger than the others.

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet"

"Why not"

"The floor's still wet."

When did it become the norm for broadcasters to apologies for ‘unsavoury’ language from the crowd? What kind of soppy cuńt gets offended by swearing from/during a football game? :lol: :D time is coming when you will be reported for swearing by someone (anomously) sitting near you via text and next ...

Comedy Iwobi with the assist for the victims opener. Useless fucking c.unt :twisted: Mate I was about to post that he makes me feel nervous for Fulham when he's on the ball let alone when he played for us, he should have chased back but lies there expecting a foul, honestly how is he still in the PL.

I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.

I missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

What's the Difference between Red & Green?
Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

Bloody Foreigner. Coming over here demanding to know what love is.

I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded. I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?
The baby eventually grows up and stops crying

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering do I keep the letters.?