Dear Gus

[T.S]

Deeply affected by the plight of Goonerk, our very own Gus Caesar is a Legend has offered to become the forum agony aunt. Therefore, this thread will be the place where all Gooners can come and seek solace about relationship problems, or to receive tips on locking wives in their sheds.

Remember; at The Gooner, we're here to help...

[SPUDMASHER]

Dear Gus, I've got this hairy arsed muppet that is giving me a hard time on an internet forum. It doesn't matter what I do or say he is still there everyday spouting loads of nonsense about how his balls are much bigger than mine. I'm reliably informed by some rebelious Doris's that he has a severe envy complex owing to his having a walnut for a knob and the looks of a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Can you help

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Thank you Tony.

I would like to assure all users of this forum, and more importantly this thread, that I will treat each subject with compassion and the sensitivity it deserves.

If you would prefer to PM me your problem, please be assured that in no way will I be tempted to copy and paste your memo into this forum!

Sexual problems a speciality!

[T.S]

Dear Gus,

My mate has recently married the most gorgeous bird you're ever likely to meet. However, the other night he confided in me and told me that he's been looking at blokes differently recently, and that, upon experimenting in the bathroom, discovered that he has a fetish for sticking mobile phones up his arse. He is very confused - so much so that he regularly almost swerves off the road when he is driving.

Can you give any advice which I can pass on to him?

[flash gunner]

Just found this on another site so thought id copy and paste it here. Help him out Gus

Dear Deidre/Gus

I have always been a Man U fan but recently started visiting websites from other teams and have found myself drawn to change my allegences to Arsenal. I visit the gooner forum daily and enjoy banter with my new Arsenal chums. Is it alright if i come out of the closet and let the world know i am now a Gooner?

Thanks Pancho

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Dear Gus, I've got this hairy arsed muppet that is giving me a hard time on an internet forum. It doesn't matter what I do or say he is still there everyday spouting loads of nonsense about how his balls are much bigger than mine. I'm reliably informed by some rebelious Doris's that he has a severe envy complex owing to his having a walnut for a knob and the looks of a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Can you help

Thank you Mr Spudmasher for opening my surgery with such an interesting problem.

Your constant use of derogatory terms towards the male genatalia instantly point as a condition called Flopidicus Limpus, which when translated from it's Latin name means Erectile Dysfunction. This in turn leads me to the rest of your heartfelt letter which stems from your Penis Envy.

Maybe you need to get out more with your own wife and enjoy quality time together. Your over reliance on this forum is indicated in the tiny amount of time it took for you to pot on the thread after it's creation. Maybe if you treated your loved one at home with more respect and enjoyed a more fulfilling life you wouldn't feel compelled to hang around with men all ay in a chatroom whilst keeping it secret from your wife by barring her from your computer.

In short, get a life you floppy dicked fool.

Next!

[SPUDMASHER]

Thank you Gus, you're an inspiration

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Dear Gus,

My mate has recently married the most gorgeous bird you're ever likely to meet. However, the other night he confided in me and told me that he's been looking at blokes differently recently, and that, upon experimenting in the bathroom, discovered that he has a fetish for sticking mobile phones up his arse. He is very confused - so much so that he regularly almost swerves off the road when he is driving.

Can you give any advice which I can pass on to him?

Tony, it is very noble of you to write in with the concerns you have over your "mate"! (snigger)

I have come across a case like this before. Where it may seem that his wife is everything any man could ever want on the outside, it often turns out that she is a Geordie slag, what a slapper!

The condition that you speak of where your "mate" has started to feel stimulated by mobile phones and men is called by the Latin name Pennantius Coleius. It is often found in young men ungrateful for the riches they already have and can lead to secret rendezvous in hotels with Portugese homosexuals.

There is no real cure for this I am afraid although your friend may like to try an appointment with a hairdresser at 3am after a Saturday night out. Alternative therapists have found being sick during sex often takes away their fear of the latent homosexual ways lodged inside their rectum.

My advice would be to send the man on his way to West London and to ignore the *word censored*!

Next!

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Just found this on another site so thought id copy and paste it here. Help him out Gus

Dear Deidre/Gus

I have always been a Man U fan but recently started visiting websites from other teams and have found myself drawn to change my allegences to Arsenal. I visit the gooner forum daily and enjoy banter with my new Arsenal chums. Is it alright if i come out of the closet and let the world know i am now a Gooner?

Thanks Pancho

Dear Pancho,

Thank you for your letter. I was pleased to find it postmarked Guildford as I know a therapy centre very local to yourself.

Whilst I understand your wishes to become a Gooner I have to say this is a futile dream of yours as being a Gooner comes from the heart and you are a soulless tosser!

I prescribe sitting in your arm chair tossing yourself off over events that deep down mean very little to you apart form fulfilling your need to be a smug glory hunting arsehole.

The one thing I can suggest is you visit the true spiritual home of your football club, although I understand a trip to the United States is probably beyond your means considering you cannot even get your backside up to Manchester.

As usual though, I believe you will ignore all sensible comment on here and prefer to dribble over a Portugese rent boy instead.

Never darken my surgery doors again!

Next!

[flash gunner]

I'll pass the message on thanks Gus

[REB]

dear gus
i have this friend online ,lets call him S**DM****R,
and he seems to be very under the thumb and his wife will stop him from playing with his computer if she finds him on dirty arsenal sites,, what can we do to help him
reb

[gus ceasar is a legend]

dear gus
i have this friend online ,lets call him S**DM****R,
and he seems to be very under the thumb and his wife will stop him from playing with his computer if she finds him on dirty arsenal sites,, what can we do to help him
reb

Rebel,

I applaud your sensitivity and thoughtfulness in keeping your friends name secret and I promise you I will do all I can to help SPUDMASHER!

However, firstly before we can help this man must learn to help himself!

From looking at his post count and patterns of posts submitted it is clear to see that the vast majority of these are done during working time and not when he is at home. So this begs the question.........what is he really looking at when he tells his wife he is on a harmless football forum?

From his comments in other threads it is clear to see the man is a master of deception and uses cloaking devices to stop his beautiful beloved wife entering the dark side of his life.

As a close friend of his, do you think there is any chance this man is a poof and is getting his jollys on the PC whilst his wife prepares dinner?

Simply before we can help your friend has to face up to the demons inside of him! Everything can be cured apart from the horrendous affliction of Tinytottism.

So please ask your friend to open up to me personally.........and I don't mean his buttocks!

Next!

[REB]

gus i thank you and your superior intellect,, you are more then likely right, he must be gay and afraid to come out

[SPUDMASHER]

dear gus
i have this friend online ,lets call him S**DM****R,
and he seems to be very under the thumb and his wife will stop him from playing with his computer if she finds him on dirty arsenal sites,, what can we do to help him
reb

Rebel,

I applaud your sensitivity and thoughtfulness in keeping your friends name secret and I promise you I will do all I can to help SPUDMASHER!

However, firstly before we can help this man must learn to help himself!

From looking at his post count and patterns of posts submitted it is clear to see that the vast majority of these are done during working time and not when he is at home. So this begs the question.........what is he really looking at when he tells his wife he is on a harmless football forum?

From his comments in other threads it is clear to see the man is a master of deception and uses cloaking devices to stop his beautiful beloved wife entering the dark side of his life.

As a close friend of his, do you think there is any chance this man is a poof and is getting his jollys on the PC whilst his wife prepares dinner?

Simply before we can help your friend has to face up to the demons inside of him! Everything can be cured apart from the horrendous affliction of Tinytottism.

So please ask your friend to open up to me personally.........and I don't mean his buttocks!

Next!

Absolutely classic. Best post I've read on here for ages.
And scarily very near the truth

[REB]

dear gus,,

didnt know you had a gay magazine out for your more liberal democrat readers