Dear Gus

[gus ceasar is a legend]

dear gus,,

didnt know you had a gay magazine out for your more liberal democrat readers

Dear Rebel,

Back again so soon, my my you do have have problems it seems!

Thank you for taking an interest in one of my media publications. As you know, Gus-A-Vision plc is a modern communications and media corporate that likes to provide something for all in the community.

I am slightly disturbed though, with your wedding so close, that you still find yourself trawling the internet to read homo erotic publications. This and your worrying link with your friend S***M**H*R, mentioned in a previous letter to myself, are a real cause for concern.

Do you also find yourself drawn to spend your evenings in a shop which lonely men frequent to buy alcoholic drinks? Has your employer for instance, taken away your internet access due to the amount of indecent material viewed during work time?

If you are gay, be proud to be gay, with a name like Rebel you are half way there already! Now is the time though to tell your wife to be that your proposed marriage is a sham and that you have a secret love affair with an African man named Emmanuel.

Please do not worry what your family will say, your father is senile and clearly a mentalist so he will be none the wiser.

Next!

[Basil is a Gooner]

Dear Gus,
Please can you help me. I am a member of an Arsenal Online Gooner Forum where people chat about Arsenal.
Every time I go on to the forum some sad git has either posted a picture of a naked women's body, or a picture of themselves eating a pie.
It is making me feel very sick and unhappy, and I didnt realise there were so many sad people in this world.
What should I do? Please dont tell me to get a life or to go to another forum, I am not good with change.
Basil.

[REB]

i am cured
had to look at lots of breasts ( sorry basil) and not talk anymore to S**DM****R
THANK YOU

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Dear Gus,
Please can you help me. I am a member of an Arsenal Online Gooner Forum where people chat about Arsenal.
Every time I go on to the forum some sad git has either posted a picture of a naked women's body, or a picture of themselves eating a pie.
It is making me feel very sick and unhappy, and I didnt realise there were so many sad people in this world.
What should I do? Please dont tell me to get a life or to go to another forum, I am not good with change.
Basil.

Dear Basil,

Firstly can I say it is always nice to get to grips with a female patient. Any groin or chest problems I can help with whilst we are here?

As you know, I have campaigned long and hard about the amount of muck and filth posted on this forum. It sometimes seems to me that the moderators help them keep it up and I have discussed this with Gooner Ed at length. I wish we could cure this problem with one stroke, although I feel we will have to push harder and deeper to find the true cause of this problem. Please stand firm and try not to massage the egos of these gutter minded fools.

As for the pie eater from who patrols Kent on Bank Holiday weekends, I am afraid I am at a loss! All we can hope for is he gets sucked in by that toilet one day and gets stuck in the U-bend! As likely as Wenger buying Kaka I know but heres hoping!

Next!

[BT]

Dear Gus

25 years ago, at a drunken stag weekend on the Ivory Coast, I had a fling. I thought no more of it until a few years ago when a man turned up claiming to be my love child. Like when he gets fouled, he was clearly genuine and in pain so I took him in. Then the bribes started. He threatened to go my wife and to the press and expose my past unless I played him week in, week out in my first eleven at the expense of much more talented and less accident prone players. What’s more, he insists on playing on the wing and is driving my really talented midfielders aboard. What can I do?

Desperately, AW

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Dear Gus

25 years ago, at a drunken stag weekend on the Ivory Coast, I had a fling. I thought no more of it until a few years ago when a man turned up claiming to be my love child. Like when he gets fouled, he was clearly genuine and in pain so I took him in. Then the bribes started. He threatened to go my wife and to the press and expose my past unless I played him week in, week out in my first eleven at the expense of much more talented and less accident prone players. What’s more, he insists on playing on the wing and is driving my really talented midfielders aboard. What can I do?

Desperately, AW

Dear AW,

Offer him a measly £55k a week and watch him swerve off the road in his car!

Simple!

Next!

[corkbarry]

Dear Gus,
I accidently found your Doris mobile number and when I entered it in the find out where your Wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is I was shocked. Please do not make this site available to other forum members. Doris phone number 0865477387
I am sorry but due to senility i had to write everything down.

http://www.trackapartner.com/

[T.S]

Dear Gus,
I accidently found your Doris mobile number and when I entered it in the find out where your Wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is I was shocked. Please do not make this site available to other forum members. Doris phone number 0865477387
I am sorry but due to senility i had to write everything down.

http://www.trackapartner.com/

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[REB]

so thats where the doris got too

http://www.trackapartner.com/

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Have to say that is fantastic!

Could we please keep this thread serious though as this was the nature in which it was intended!

[T.S]

Have to say that is fantastic!

Could we please keep this thread serious though as this was the nature in which it was intended!

Yes, because it was oh so serious before then!

[Basil is a Gooner]

Thank you for your advice Gus.

I also forgot to tell you about my addiction problem. It has been going on a while now. I am addicted to a fans forum where I feel the need to get a fix many times a day.
I am also being stalked by my dealer, known as IHH, who is a man of disguise and likes to pose as a bad player who cant defend.
Can you help me?

Lisab.

[Magic Hat]

Dear Gus

I know Almunia will win keeper of the year, Van Persie and Mozart will not miss a single game, Hleb will stay and get 20 goals next season, that we will win the quadruple, bring records for cleansheets and goals scored, Alex Ferguson will retire in amazement at our sheer awesomeness and Spurs will get relegated. However we will lose 1-0 to West Ham in the league so stopping us being unbeaten.

Am I too pessimistic?

Magic Hat

[gus ceasar is a legend]

Dear Gus

I know Almunia will win keeper of the year, Van Persie and Mozart will not miss a single game, Hleb will stay and get 20 goals next season, that we will win the quadruple, bring records for cleansheets and goals scored, Alex Ferguson will retire in amazement at our sheer awesomeness and Spurs will get relegated. However we will lose 1-0 to West Ham in the league so stopping us being unbeaten.

Am I too pessimistic?

Magic Hat

Dear Mr Hat,

Have you considered The Priory or alternatibe therapy?

I do understand that you are more than firmly camped in the "glass is half full" section but your ramblings are beyond comprehension!

I perscribe a reality check........double dose!

Next!

[Wayno]

Dearest Gus, I write to you with the most worrying of situations foremost in my mind. An aqaintance of mine, one whom is too smooth to mention by name, has recently taken to looking for comfort and pleasure from ladies on websites such as 'stinxofish.com and hardupinhackney.co.uk and at weekend likes to dress in black whilst people shout at him "who is that wanker in the black"

Anyway I digress from m problem, I have taken to having sex with guinea pigs and find that they split too easy, any tips on how to make them last?