LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife was complaining about her job to me.

"If I had a pound every time I was held back for being a woman..."

"Don't you mean 75p?"

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

:lol:

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

At the National Art Gallery in London , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The Curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, a Yorkshire man approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist, that painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Yorkshire coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A guy meets a woman at a bar and they back to his place for sex.

While they are getting down to it she says "put one finger in" so he does.

She then says "ok now put 3 fingers in" so he does.

Then she says "put your whole hand in" which he does.

"now put your other hand in" she demands, which again he does.

"Now Clap" she says.

So the guy tries and says "I can't!"

"I know" she says "tight aint I"

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

Image

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My boss called me.

"Why are you late?" he barked angrily.

"I'm stuck behind a group of bikers," I replied.

"Can't you just ask them to move over?" he asked.

"But they look aggressive," I said, "and the barman hasn't served them yet."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I saw myself naked in the mirror, and now my hand isn't in the mood.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Sports bras are meant to stop women's tits from jiggling up and down when they're jogging.

They ought to re-name them 'Spoil Sport Bras.'

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Yesterday was the most emotional I've seen Serena Williams since she got the chair at the end of The Green Mile

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

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