LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a...
'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and
screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.

I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape.

She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I often have trouble spelling my own address. "Surrey" seems to be the hardest word.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

"Have I made myself clear?" Said the chameleon as he stood in front of a sheet of glass.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our new born son should be called. He's called Tails.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

If you were born in Gotham City and your first name is 'The', there's a good chance you'll turn out to be a villain.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'

I thought, "That's just spam

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I had amnesia once - or twice.

User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 58940
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Some top work there Lefty. :lol: 8)

User avatar
Bradywasking
Posts: 6032
Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2010 9:14 am

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Bradywasking »

Wife said proudly to me "I haven't put on weight in years" I laughed, so she said " Look I bought this years ago and it still fits"....it was a scarf

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

DB10GOONER wrote: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Some top work there Lefty. :lol: 8)
Cheers DB been a long time, maybe not long enough for some :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A 14 year old boy has been fitted with a robot hand.
Brilliant.
That will save him having to sit on it until it feels like someone elses.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 10211
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Been offered a job shaving ladies pussies...

Its £10 an hour, Gash in hand!

Post Reply