Thank you mr Bard, I am just trying to brighten up an otherwise miserable damp summer and I'm not even going to start with Arsenal
You're too late mate she died the other day! !
Recieved these from a mate of mine...
Just to spice things up I said to my wife, "We'll do a bit of role playing tonight."
She was well up for it.
So I said, " You dress up like Whitney Houston, and I'll run you a bath..."
Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny, that's nice I thought, two lips from Amsterdam.
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he
got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the
signs were there.
My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider sucking my cock.I told her I fully understood
and respected her decision.
I said I'd give her a call nearer the time!
Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room, a little girl had her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I told her, " If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the arse!"
A Spurs fan goes to heaven, "sorry we don't have your lot in here." Says Peter.
The Spurs fan complains, "but I've lead a good and generous life, last week I gave ten pounds to a hungry tramp,
then ten pounds to a homeless shelter and ten pounds to age concern."
St.Peter says he will have a word with God.
After five minutes St.Peter returns and
says, "OK, I've spoken with God and he agrees with me, here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off!"
Two men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing.. One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other is having a blowjob from an 95 year old
woman...What are they both thinking?
Whatever you do Don't look down, just don't look down...
I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid
having sex, like;
"I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache,I'm your sister...
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and
She was known as oral high Jean. (The female version of Hlebby!??)
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't
have one at all!
I was on a train this morning, in the loo.having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
I saw a s***s fan lying unconscious in the seven sisters road yesterday. I tried doing the hand-only CPR the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation TV advert, but by the time I found my Bee Gee's CD the fucker was already dead.
What's a spider and Whitney Houston Got in Common? They're both black and can't get out the bath.
Whitney Houston won an impressive six Grammys in fourteen years.
Slightly less impressive was her recent attempt at six grams in fourteen minutes.
Everyone's a comedian nowadays, even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radio'd dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"