LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go.

Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO!

Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

All three are superb Lefty but that one had me pissing myself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just failed my theory test.

Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just been in the loft and found a 1979 copy of the TV Times.

Or as it's now known........"The Sex Offenders Register"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.

[OneBardGooner]

Nice one Lefty ALL Good, you never fail to cheer me up!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Nice one Lefty ALL Good, you never fail to cheer me up!

Glad I can help mate

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go.

Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO!

Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

All three are superb Lefty but that one had me pissing myself.

It's a true story from the county of Wiltshire

[Midz]

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.

[DB10GOONER]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago",
to which the man replies
"Well, that fence wasn't fuckin electric 50 years ago."