LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other for a moment before replying, "We'll do it."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and *word censored*?" young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a pussy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunnt up!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"You're so childish" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Some kids knocked on my door trick or treating,

I told them to fuck off with their American shit, they said "nothing wrong with American culture mister"

so I shot the fuckers.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows it

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A prostate examination is not a good time to find out your doctor is an amateur ventriloquist

[Midz]

All good. The 2 priests is very funny.

[OneBardGooner]

Excellent Lefty !

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Excellent Lefty !

How are you mate

[OneBardGooner]

okay mate

[Stuart L (2)]

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and *word censored*?" young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a pussy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunnt up!"

My pick of the bunch

[DB10GOONER]

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other for a moment before replying, "We'll do it."

Laughed out loud at most of those Lefty, but this one is golden. Speaking as an Oirish Catholic. Cough.

[subtleasaheadbutt]

Wife walks up to her Husband and asks "Do I look Fat in this dress??"

Husband: "Before I say anything,,, you gotta promise, no matter WHAT I say.... You won't get mad.."

Wife: "Ok.. I promise."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."