LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[SPUDMASHER]

I've heard they're one and the same thing

[OneBardGooner]

To all you beautiful girls. Happy Valentine's day.

To all you fat birds, chin up!

It's pancake day next week!

Shouldn't that be 'Chins'

[OneBardGooner]

I've heard they're one and the same thing

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sorry lads just got back from the Arctic Circle where it dropped to minus 25



What's the difference between a feminist and a baby? The baby eventually grows up and stops crying.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Lily Allen - Because one *word censored* who acts like Bono wasn't enough.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

One man's rubbish is another man's treasure, is an awesome phrase.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kids they're adopted.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address.

Fortunately none of them can read a map!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No I'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search' The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat.

What the fuck does that mean? The man asks.

"He's found a fucking bomb!!!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Salisbury policeman emerges from Coma , hears England might be out of World Cup ,

He says "fuck me is it June already?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Well done to McDonald's, for marking International Women's Day by turning their logo upside down.

It looks just like a big dangly pair of tits.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

International Women's Day.... Political correctness gone too far yet again.... Why does 'spring cleaning' need a new name anyway??

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doctor said, "I'll have to wrap and put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he wrapped it took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. " He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the FUCKING CRATE!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What have Spurs and three pin plugs got in common?

They're both fucking useless in Europe!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

To support International Women's Day, I made myself a sandwich.