LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[subtleasaheadbutt]

A man is laying on his death bed, wife of 50 years beside him. Staring at the ceiling his wife asks "is there anything you want me to do after you're gone?" Husband stares for a moment and says "yes, there's one thing. Marry Bob." Puzzled his wife says "but you've hated Bob you're whole life!" Husband says "I know" then dies.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other for a moment before replying, "We'll do it."

Laughed out loud at most of those Lefty, but this one is golden. Speaking as an Oirish Catholic. Cough.

I knew for some reason you'd like that mate

[OneBardGooner]

Is That a Catholic Joke?

Sorry I have a Habit of asking such questions.

[DB10GOONER]

Is That a Catholic Joke?

Sorry I have a Habit of asking such questions.

Did that just cross your mind?

[OneBardGooner]

Is That a Catholic Joke?

Sorry I have a Habit of asking such questions.

Did that just cross your mind?

Well, I could Altar my mind but felt it was a nailed on comment.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

[DB10GOONER]

New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering do I keep the letters.?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the difference between a feminist and a baby?
The baby eventually grows up and stops crying

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded. I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Bloody Foreigner. Coming over here demanding to know what love is.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers.
Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity