LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just sat down in the restaurant with my wife and ordered the hippo soup.

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet.

[Midz]

My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.

"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.

"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.

"He fucking does now," I replied.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Her : "D'you wanna go upstairs?

Me : "Oh Aye Sure"

Her : "Have you got protection?"

Me : "Why?... What the fuck is up there?"

[OneBardGooner]

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid

All Good One's Lefty... I told my missus this one but she didn't understand the joke!

[DB10GOONER]

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

[Stuart L (2)]

I had to go to the doctors this week due to having a very sore penis

He told me I need to stop masturbating so vigorously

When I asked why,

he said it was making his desk wobble.

[Stuart L (2)]

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.

Not sure why, but this one tickled me the most lefty

Good work as always

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had to go to the doctors this week due to having a very sore penis

He told me I need to stop masturbating so vigorously

When I asked why,

he said it was making his desk wobble.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

1 inch - Are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
8 inch - Fucking perfect when your drunk.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.

How do you rate your Domino pizza?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A recent survey reported that one fifth of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

[OneBardGooner]

I had to go to the doctors this week due to having a very sore penis

He told me I need to stop masturbating so vigorously

When I asked why,

he said it was making his desk wobble.

Nice one Stuart

" A recent survey reported that one fifth of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick."


Nice one Lefty Me ole mucker !

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering?

95% replied, "what the fuck are you doing in here?

[OneBardGooner]

I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering?

95% replied, "what the fuck are you doing in here?

You crease me up Lefty!