The Gooner Forum

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.

“I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, ‘Oh, I guess I’ll have Champagne.’ I said, ‘Guess again.’”

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

“A unicorn and a Cyclops. That’s an accident waiting to happen.

Undertakers simply place a hand full of ball bearings into the coffin to find out which one of your pall bearers aren't doing their fair share of the lifting

flash gunner wrote:Undertakers simply place a hand full of ball bearings into the coffin to find out which one of your pall bearers aren't doing their fair share of the lifting

Sounds like a Viz joke mate

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your
arse'.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking
frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it
scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us
and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and
said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of
tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her
pu**y. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip
of the iceberg!

arseofacrow wrote:

flash gunner wrote:Undertakers simply place a hand full of ball bearings into the coffin to find out which one of your pall bearers aren't doing their fair share of the lifting

Sounds like a Viz joke mate

It is i think

Just heard that a mate of mine has died after being diagnosed with dyslexia.

He choked on his own Vimto.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be very disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"