The Gooner Forum

I used to think it was romantic to see a lovers name carved into a tree.

Then I started to wonder why so many people takes knives on a date.

My wife left me because of my insecurities.
No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle. But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

I like that there's more coverage of women's football on TV these days. Do you know what the highest paid woman in woman's football makes?

Sandwiches.

I took this really slutty chick back to my place last night. "Pull my pony tail really hard and stick it up my arse!" she demanded. I nearly broke her neck, the pony tail didn't reach.

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.' She replied 'No,we have a problem,we're a couple,we're married,we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.' Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.' But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?' I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed.

They thought I should have called an ambulance first.

My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?" "Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window." "Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

My wife was reading some of her quiz questions out of Cosmo, and she turned to me and asked, "Have you ever had sex with a fat woman?"

She said it with a straight face too.

Women say magazines demean them and portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making ordinary females feel inadequate.

Then they buy 12 inch dildos.....

Women: If a man remembers your eye colour after the first date,

You probably have small tits.

The hardest part about starting a new relationship is learning how to fart silently again

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied.

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "I was with Jessica." He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying." After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely." Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're doughnuts."