The All New Diary of the Current Spurs Manager*

New Current Spurs Manager and the North London Derby

Read our spoof diary of the latest incumbent in the Tottenham managerial hotseat. 

*as imagined by Alastair Coleman for the Gooner Fanzine 

Monday: New week, new job and the first thing to do is wipe the last guy’s name off the office door and chalk up my own. Igor Tudor, or my full name, Igor Mock Tudor Mansion in Epping Forest. The office is a mess, there’s still a kangaroo in here from two managers ago, and the way the team’s been playing, Hoppy Hogan could be our target man up front on Sunday. 

Tuesday: To Gaffers, the secret social club for Premier League managers, where that nice Mikel Arteta signed me in on a temporary membership, saying “It’s all you’re going to need, to be honest”. The last two Spurs managers wasted their money buying five year memberships (non refundable) and they’re not even allowed to use the toilets now. 

Wednesday: Picked up the keys to my official Spurs car, which due to a sponsorship deal, has been provided by Zobbo’s Circus. They also provide jobs for former players, and in exceptional circumstances, current ones. I’ve always wanted to be a lion tamer, but Current Spurs Chairman says you have to work towards that, largely through working as Current Spurs Manager. 

Thursday: It turns out that Hoppy Hogan is here as a job swap with several members of the first team who have also got identical letters from their mum excusing them from playing football, something they haven’t been doing for at least three managers now. I understand they’re part of the circus freak show this week, which is apparently very tiring. Hoppy is the first name on the team sheet. At the moment, he’s the only one. 

Friday: To the circus to see if I can get some of my players back for Sunday. Unfortunately they had got wind of my arrival and disguised themselves as clowns, something they’re quite good at, it turns out because they’ve been doing it for years. Current Spurs Chairman was there, and tells me Zobbo’s has just signed a deal for naming rights of the stadium. 

Saturday: I’ve picked the team, and I’ve got a really good feeling about my first home game. Current Spurs Chairman says Arsenal are going to bottle it and the BIG TOP is going to be rocking tomorrow. ROCKING. 

Sunday: I’ll tell you what I really like about Spurs - they can really empty that ground quickly after the match. So quickly that I hopped into my official Spurs clown car and was home before the wheels fell off. Sacked in the morning? I don’t think so, I’ve got Mondays off and I’ve got tickets to see our back four pushing custard pies in each other’s faces. 

Read our series Diary of the Current Spurs Manager as imagined by Alistar Coleman in every issue of the Gooner Fanzine. Buy our new issue here